coping mechanisms

formally my coping mechanisms included:
-drinking
-getting really drunk
-eating half a pint of ice cream, drinking 3 beers and smoking a ton of cigarettes in a row
-smoking cigarettes
-asking people to tell me jokes
-eating tortillas covered in butter
-drinking fancy coffee drinks
-crying in my room for hours
-looking at pictures of cute animals on the internet
-going on a hike or a run

as you can see 5 of these things i can't do on the candida diet, 4 of them i can still do and 1 of them (smoking) i shouldn't do but i do anyway. i've actually been smoking more than ever. what else am i going to do if i can't drink?
i guess beer was my go to coping mechanism. and now it's gone and i don't feel like i have anything. i feel unable to deal with all the things which have been happening in my life. i'm not really eating enough or sleeping enough either, so i've been constantly on edge.
when i was drinking i had something to look forward to: going to the bar with friends, getting drunk and looking at the stars in the back of a pick up truck on the old rhizome land, being able to relax, coming home to have wine with my roommate. all of it made it worth getting through each day. and, apparently, drinking helped me sleep. i've realized that a major part of how i dealt with my anxiety was alcohol. i don't think i fully realized how much anxiety i had until i couldn't drink anymore.
this has made me want to not drink for a while, for longer than i have to be on the diet. until i can work on developing and practicing my other coping mechanisms more and have better ways to relate to people and deal with my anxiety. but i also keep catching myself thinking about how in another 2 or 3 months i might be able to have a beer. i feel like i would give anything for a beer. i've thought of complex schemes to try to drink a lot, take a lot of acidophulus and try to get more difilcan and take it and just be super vigilant from then on or whatever else so i can have one night of fun.

and really, i'm still having fun. i made cookies (that i couldn't eat) with my 7 yr roommate the other night. i semi-successfully acted out portions of my 2 yr roommate's book: "Go Dog, Go", with puppets. i drank decaf cappuccino and played cards with a friend.
i've also been going to my friend's bar to hang out and watch people who can drink do karaoke. it's been fun, i always get water with lime and tip, and then smoke a bunch of cigarettes or once i ate carrots while wearing a rabbit mask my friend happened to have in his bag. i've done a lot of sitting outside smoking while i'm there. i feel slightly disconnected from the people around me and generally nervous while i'm there, but sometimes there are other people not drinking, too.

i guess i just have to keep doing these other things. but it's a lot easier when i'm feeling worn out and frustrated with work and bogged down in patriarchy and racism, and i've just had another long check in with a friend (or a fight) for me to go to the corner store and buy a 6 pack and drink alone in my room while listening to ani difranco or wolves in the throne room or hot jams on the radio.
instead i'm going to go on a run when i get home before the zine fest meeting. and after i run, before my meeting, i'm going to meet a friend who also doesn't drink and try not to appear to be a total wreck.